Saturday, 3 January 2009 @14:12
oooooh the new year is here... so soon. I spent the eve at home. was practically teleporting from vivocity to marinabay (or channel 8 to channel 5) haha. come to think of it, it was quite hilarious. i had my laptop in front of me. my tv in front of my laptop in front of me (the tv was a reasonable distance away of course, so i wont go blind. haha) n i was alone at home. my WHOLE family was out. my parents with their cell grp at watch night service at their church. my bro with his cg. and me..at home with my laptop. talking to jianhong, jonovan and some other random ppl on msn. i duno whether or not u consider that kinda celebration sad. haha. but i know i did escape all the crowds! i really dislike crowds. chinatown is the last place i will go to during cny. and bugis street is the last place i will go to no matter when. lol.
last night, we had class chalet. i wasnt really in the mood for it. i was kinda uneasy. felt outta place. mayb cos i havent seen a lot of them in a while... or i just wasnt used to them, after being at home (and not in class/school) for so long. mayb i was just tired. or mayb, i just didnt feel like trying to tell jokes.sometimes, i try to tell jokes to lighten e mood or liven things up... somehow... something tells me im losing the fire. ultimately i get laughed at...yes...its ok actually. if it makes ppl happy, y not? oh well. mayb this is just a phase for me. getting a little sensitive when ppl suan. like how i did when i was trying to teach troy how to play bridge but failed terribly and caused him to lose cos i wasnt v good at the game. but of course i dun blame my friends. :) its just something ive been thinking abt these days. like why do i even try to make a fool of myself or sometimes i just do so naturally. i guess ppl all make mistakes. even stupid ones. n mayb we just happen to rmb what we ourselves did wrong. mayb tts y it feels as tho you've done so much wrong. so when u feel that you've made so many mistakes..even the little ones, u just wanna shut up and not say or do anythn anymore. yup.. i think ive been feeling discouraged. thats the word for it.
today... i kinda felt a little lousy abt myself too. it just builds on... i think i need some encouragement mayb from myself. was leading praise and worship for the girls brigade open house meeting today. the slides kinda got messed up... feel v bad abt it. i did put quite a bit of effort into preparing for it. so yyup... disappointed at myself. i think i need to tell a friend all these things that are happening. ive been keeping everythn inside... its been like that for a while. used to tell a few people my problems. now i hardly even say anythn to anyone other than jane... and to her i alrdy dun tell everything.
thats y quiet time helps. i guess thats e only time i can refresh myself.
i am fearfully and wonderfully made. thats wad God says. its frm Psalm 139:14. my favourite verse. Jesus makes room for all of us to fall. even though we may be walking thru the valley of the shadow of death, we need not fear... i think its true that no one really feels secure 100% of the time. and God allows Satan to put lies into your head so as to train you. and see the way you react. to train you and wait for you to make the right choice one day. when you feel that you're not good enuf, you letting Satan get to you. and i did. im glad jane reminded me not to. :)
no one shld ever tell you that you are lousy. and no one can let you feel that way except yourself. :)
i figured that if you dont even trust yourself...its likely you cant do things well. i think... im still struggling w that. i cant trust myself to do things right sometimes. and wad makes things worse sometimes is that when u finally gathered e courage to do sth... you make a mistake and pooosh ur confidence gets crushed.
For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken. - prov 3:26...
Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward - Heb 10:35
e bible seems to have an answer for everythn. :) i just need to learn to apply.
i shall end for now. :)